And I turned back to find her gone..

Nothing grieves more deeply than one half of a great love that isn’t meant to be.
- This Year That Diwali

Let me take time a few years back - Rohit - a little boy of ten. It was the evening before Diwali, And I was dressed in full pomp and show for the festivities of the night, enthralled about buying crackers with my own money as it was called. But, It was not to be.

Standing in front on the scooter, the breeze blowing away my newly starched white kurta-payjama, pockets stuffed with two hundred and seventy three rupees saved through the year, I was joyed by the idea of crackers. As we were nearing the factory outlet ( where it was cheaper to buy crackers) , my heart already brimming with self elation was just short of exploding. And with a screech of the brakes, we reached the factory. While dad was talking to the owner-adding to my irritation-I saw inside the factory.

And there she was - about my age - wearing a soot-blackened gown carrying the crackers on her head. I felt a sense of disgust at her, growing by the second as she came nearer. Her eyes were rooted to the ground and she seemed deeply engrossed. As she came towards me, I felt a revulsion, a deep ... and then she stumbled over a stone and fell down. I just stood there. It was not a fall of seconds, It engulfed an ocean of time. I felt an endless fall into oblivion. It was as if I had been paralyzed into the scene. And she looked up towards me..those eyes, It was as if I could feel them. Stoned by a day's work, empty, thoughtless eyes. And then a fear, the fear of guilt rose in me. And she seemed to fall into eternity and so did I. And when I could not look into those eyes, I just turned away towards the soothing silhouette of my father. The fall evoked a shrill cry from uncle at the factory. Resentment in his eyes, he turned towards the workshop. I just stood there, thoughtless. She was not there. We had the crackers and left. But those eyes remained with me..and remained a feeling, perhaps the first sprouts of l....

I just deep stuffed those two hundred and seventy three rupees into my pocket. The next day I enveloped those and kept them away..

Those eyes have been with me all these years and are still with me. And this year, I was there with my young cousin and I heard the thudd again. But this time also, I just looked away.
Perhaps, I am more practical now.
Perhaps, I am mature enough to realize.
Perhaps, I am ...
Who am I fooling, I just don't have the strength, the courage. I just don't .